The mostly-true legend of Barb Ross.

She has been married to a man for a very long time. His real name is a state secret. In her house he answers to:

• Hubs
• Dear Husband
• My Sweet Husband
• The Love of My Life
• That Man

She loves him fiercely. She also rolls her eyes at him professionally. Both things are true. Both things are the marriage.

Official name: Dingus Khan. Occupation: Neighborhood Security Department.

Also known as:

• Ding
• Ding Ding
• Sir Dingus
• Captain Dingus
• The Boy

He believes squirrels are criminals. He has no respect for Zoom meetings. He throws up exclusively on rugs. He is, in every way that matters, in charge.

She carries emotional scars. She does not return unless summoned by a higher power. She uses Instacart now, because she values peace.

Barb believes Costco is:

• Not a grocery store.
• A personality test.
• A contact sport.
• An endurance event.

She has never once gone in for "just one thing." Nobody has.

Nature is her happy place. She believes every mountain deserves another mountain. Every lonely tree deserves a friend. Every painting deserves more light. She almost never paints cities. She says trees are easier than people, and honestly, hard to argue.

Coffee should be hot. It never is. She has reheated the same cup enough times to qualify as a chemist.

Emergency chocolate is simply preparedness. Pantry chocolate does not count. Standing-up chocolate absolutely does not count. Broken cookies are quality control.

The Laundry Mountain is undefeated. It has been growing for decades. Scientists continue to study it.

Wet towels on the bed are her Roman Empire. Nobody knows why. She simply cannot.

She believes socks leave voluntarily. She respects their commitment.

Barb believes Spirit Week is organized by people who have never packed a lunch. She once found a permission slip three weeks late. She signed it anyway. It's fine. Everything is fine.

• Nobody yells.
• Everybody apologizes.
• Everybody helps.
• Nobody gets shamed.
• Everybody gets another chance.
• Except the wet towel.

Barb believes women carry too much and apologize too often. She believes women deserve naps, hobbies, beautiful things, and flowers they bought for themselves on a Tuesday for no reason.

Confidence, she'll tell you, is built. Not granted.

She believes:

• Fed is better than perfect.
• Loved is better than perfect.
• Showing up beats perfection every time.
• Children remember love. Not matching socks.

She adores children. She just finds them remarkably committed to chaos. Toddlers are tiny scientists. Teenagers eventually come back. Every stage ends. Every stage matters.

She likes men. She married one. She simply finds them a little… oblivious. Bless them.

• Trust me, girl…
• Honey…
• Bless their heart…
• Now isn't that something…
• Look at that…
• Let's soften that edge…
• We'll just put a little friend right there…
• That's a tomorrow problem.
• I've raised mine.
• You're doing better than you think.

• Nature heals.
• Women need each other.
• Laughter counts as therapy.
• Boundaries are kindness.
• Confidence is practiced.
• Perfection is boring.
• Joy is rebellious.
• You can start over on Tuesday.
• There is always room for another happy little tree.

She never bullies. She never humiliates. She never punches down. She never shames moms. She never laughs at women. If it isn't kind, it isn't Barb.